Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”