My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.