@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

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@bartandsoul

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

@kellysdf

Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

@EndhooS

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

@charliedelta7

It’s an ATM.

Not an ATM machine.

The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.

@Furry_Beaver

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

@EllaZee5

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job