Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

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I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?


Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.


*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up


“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]


I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.


It’s an ATM.

Not an ATM machine.

The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.


My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.


Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job