@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

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@Thedudish

My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@PetrickSara

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

@sixfootcandy

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

@StephenAtHome

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@seandunn76

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

@AndrewChamings

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

@bluebonetbabies

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.