Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Why is this me 😫
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.