Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.