defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
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Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”