Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.