If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Put the is in disheveled
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.