DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one