It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Pat is about to own someone
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Ugh but profoundly
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The prophecy is fulfilled
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.