Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
This pepper has seen some shit
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Batman v Dracula
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.