Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.