Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

You Might Also Like


The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want


SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options


911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it


I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.


*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit


If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.