@rn_murse

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

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@JMFnSparks

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want

@XtinaNovakovic

SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this

@coolmathgame_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

@vanluvz1

I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

@Dis0beyJay

*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Me:Ok
*Later*
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.