Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
You Might Also Like
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
#Caturday
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician