-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit
If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.