I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ