Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
when you order from DoorDastardly
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient