@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

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@salamingia

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

@TheAndrewNadeau

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

@Alvildalikely

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

@PaperWash

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@SequelsWeWant

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

@KevinFarzad

Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?

@juliussharpe

I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.