[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.