Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[opens GPS voice command]
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?