Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

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Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?


I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.


My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.


My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.


dad: when i die, donate my body to science


me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go


We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.


Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.


People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.


First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem