@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

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@captainkalvis

Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

@ShortWhiteNUgly

My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@robfromonline

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

@mattZillaaaa

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

@Jakexox

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem