Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
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good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!
Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!
Me: Longest six minutes ever
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.