Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
how was your vacation
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I am never leaving this website
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.