@LostFelicia

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

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@BritishNicx

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.

@leifromloihi

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

@YeahDrewisOn

Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!

Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever

@MRagaab

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@TheBoydP

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@CanadianBeave13

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.