Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.


good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.


Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!


Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever


What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.


Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.


You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.


Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.


Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.


I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.