Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
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Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
s
oc
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a
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
This squirrel eats better than I do
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Sounds like a bargain
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.