Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?