@iamk1ts

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

@dreamthievin

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

@JohnLyonTweets

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

@meganamram

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

@AimeeHelene1

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.