Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?


Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.


A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.


House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.


Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.


I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets


*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.