Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.


? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ?


dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one


*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*


The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.


“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook


Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.


“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”