ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
why isn’t thunder called soundning
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.