Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
it was love at first sight
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”