@Bluestmoon_

*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.

*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.

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@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

@mattZillaaaa

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?

@LnL245

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

@ch000ch

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@ArfMeasures

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what