*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?