Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:
Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.
*Seductively forgets you*
I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.