[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You deplete me
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Does beer think about me too?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
they split up moments later
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay