*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me, in DM rooms…
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades