*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.