[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
This will never not be funny to me.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Hit me in the face with a bird
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.