[Deleting all work emails]


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Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping


*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room


5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.


Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
*Gore kicks door down*


A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house


My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.


Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”


Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.