Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
*Gore kicks door down*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.