Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.
me: truth or dare
me: is Wyoming real
Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”