[Deleting all work emails]


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Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.


If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls


ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR


I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain


[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*


I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.


me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare


Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.


On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”


Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”