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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔