Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Deleting dating apps cause I want to meet someone the old fashioned way: seeing him get hit by a train, sitting by his bedside while he’s in a coma, winning over his family, and telling him he has amnesia and we’ve been married the whole time when he wakes up.
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Note to younger women:
Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.
Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.