I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.