@fckboyseatpizza

Deleting dating apps cause I want to meet someone the old fashioned way: seeing him get hit by a train, sitting by his bedside while he’s in a coma, winning over his family, and telling him he has amnesia and we’ve been married the whole time when he wakes up.

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@abbygov

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

@maurajbg

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

@ladyignoble

Note to younger women:

Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.

Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

@ClichedOut

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

@Smooheed

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

@BigJDubz

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

@BraandoCommando

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

@reccastle

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.