I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I think I’m having a stroke
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart