@BigJDubz

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

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@david8hughes

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

@Staggfilms

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

@SommerofMandi

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@meralee727

Being self employed during a quarantine is so annoying….all my boss wants to do is nap, drink wine and watch The Real Housewives of whatever

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.