“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Jude: hey there
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I am a gravy boat captain
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Being self employed during a quarantine is so annoying….all my boss wants to do is nap, drink wine and watch The Real Housewives of whatever
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.