[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.