*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

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Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?


I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.


Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.


Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*


I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.


In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.


Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower