@ClichedOut

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

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@mrtruthandsoul

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

@SteveKoehler22

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

@verycozy

Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*

@3_livi

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

@UncleDuke1969

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

@Smooheed

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower