Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”
Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live
*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*
Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy
*winks at loved ones*
Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower