I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
my mind
You just read my mind
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.