*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I think the cat got the dog high.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Just me and my debit card against the world