@JJSummertime

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

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@Spaziotwat

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

@longwall26

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

@NrouteHQ

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.

@WilliamRodgers

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.