I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A leaf fell!
-My dog’s daily announcements
You Might Also Like
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
me: this is free, right?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.