Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry