“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”
TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.