Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

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[Italian restaurant]

“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”


Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.


It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.


We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?


[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?


Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan


[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks


[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.


The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.