DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons