[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏