[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.