Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Happy Thanksgiving
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.