Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send