Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
When you don’t understand how floors work
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?