A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Finally, an explanation.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
finally found a reasonable question
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.