“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
every college guy’s fridge
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.