@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.

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@panmidwest

THERAPIST:
what’s wrong?

WIFE:
he speaks in typos

ME:
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!

THERAPIST:
ok maybe we should take 5

ME:
food idea

@TheBoydP

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby ūüôā

@joefrog1

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

@Darlainky

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@sofarrsogud

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

@NotKevinSheedy

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*