Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Morning all.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.