If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.