@Dutch_50

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

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@Parentpains

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

@ryaninco

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@sofarrsogud

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

@Mr_Kapowski

Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

@TheMichaelRock

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!

@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

@DaddyJew

I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means