Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]