Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
black phone good
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My guardian angel deserves a raise
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year