Seems clear enough
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*
Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?